i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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