the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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