Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So much rum. So many feels.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
