I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
