I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
