so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
