i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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