I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
