so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
