I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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