I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
