when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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