I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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