idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
