is your mom at the bar?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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