never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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