just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
4 words: hood of his car
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
