I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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