What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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