Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize