i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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