my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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