I'm lost and stupid without you.
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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