eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
