She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
