I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
