you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
