My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
