he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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