you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
