I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
