By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize