the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize