does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
