I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize