First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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