i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
