She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
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