I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
