I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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