Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
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