Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
