paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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