Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
