are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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