He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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