the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
