Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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