I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Randomize
