I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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