i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
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