Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
