my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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