Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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