I want to walk on stilts...naked
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
