She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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